So......ya

Well, it's been a LONG time since I've updated this blog and it's probably a good thing. The one side effect I didn't prepare for, count on or truly expect is the one that I am experiencing. It seems that my personality has suffered a major shift and it isn't a good thing for some individuals in my life. It is like I feel dead and emotionally flat inside about pretty much everyone in my life to varying degrees, with the exception of Jonas (thank God). I feel like I could take or leave my marriage right now, I could take or leave my house and I am not sure if these are my real feelings or if they are because of the drugs or a combination of the two. I feel bad for those around me, my friends and family that I don't contact anymore, the little caring things that I don't do for others anymore, the inability for me to feel sympathy for anyone about anything....It really sucks. To not know if this is you or if this is your brain on drugs (lol). Some days I feel desperate to run away, to be selfish, to just go hide somewhere and worry about me and only me. I wonder how understanding I can expect people in my world to be. It must be hard to be on the receiving end of these emotions. I really hope that the old me comes back when the drugs are done and that this isn't a permanent state of being. I don't like feeling flat and most days I cannot even be nice and give others simple respect. I feel like a bitch but at the same time it feels legitimate and justified. I know people change on these drugs but it's cold comfort and it doesn't make me feel any different. I am not even half way through my treatment! I cannot imagine who I will be in 13 more weeks!! I understand no pain, no gain but I didn't bank on the pain I would be causing others. I have an appt. with the therapist who deals with people on these drugs on June 10. Hopefully she has some insight and coping mechanisms for me. I am angry at myself for being confused and frustrated with my apparent inability to just suck it up and deal! Seriously, WTF!

Thanks to everyone who is understanding and supportive. I hope and pray that things shake out the way that they are meant to.

Bleck

I have made myself into a bit of a guinea pig this last week. I tried going to bed a couple of nights without taking my melatonin just to see if the insomnia was gone. I did excellent the first night but not so well the second. I am back to taking a couple of pills every night. I also decided to skip my second workout last week and my first one this week and won't be making that mistake again! Normally my muscles are so sore on Tuesday from my workout on Monday that I don't pay any attention to any side effects of the drugs that I might be feeling. I am sufficiently distracted. Since I didn't workout last Thursday or this Monday, when Tuesday rolled around, I spent the day sweating, puking and suffering from a headache that couldn't decide whether it wanted to upgrade to migraine status or not! Jaeda came over for a visit and had to leave because I got very bad very quickly. Poor Jaeda. She didn't know what to do to help when really, there isn't anything anyone can do at that point. Working out not only makes my body feel alive and energized, it changes my body chemistry. I am happier, handle stress better and feel more motivated and in love with life. I truly think that they help me keep my drug side effects quietly in the background. Skipping an entire week of them has lead to me ripping Scott's face off about something as ridiculous as rice, among others, and being a snarly bitch to those around me (mostly my husband). Although today's workout had me feeling faint numerous times, I feel better than I have since Monday. No more missed workouts!!

I have noticed that I have quite a few purpura on my abdomen and that my legs are pretty bruised up so was anxious to hear what my latest blood panel was. I have also been out of breath with no energy so was convinced that my haemoglobin had finally tanked. No such luck yet. So much for self diagnosis eh? I cannot imagine how it will be for me when it does drop since there are already days that can be a bit challenging lol! My platelets have dropped from 154,000 to 126,000 so that explains the bruising and purpura. I suppose if I drop another couple thousand, they will be monitoring it a bit closer for me. I am not worried however since I know what the treatment is should they get dangerously low and I hold dear some people who have had the treatment and it has worked fabulously for them. All for the greater good.

I am having a less symptom free week but that is to be expected and will not get me down! This is a small price to pay and worth every bit of it! I am more than a quarter of the way through already and virus free so I can and will keep on keeping on!

WOOHOO!!

Tra-la-la-la-la!! I am dancing and singing and smiling and crying! This is a crazy but cured woman in action! This is the best day of my life!!!!

Still Waiting...

I was under the impression that I would have the results of my PCR test this past Monday when I got the results of my 4th week blood work. Turns out that that test takes up to a week to perform so I haven't heard yet. I have been waiting with bated breath all week hoping that each day would be the day that I find out if I am negative for the virus thereby proving that the treatment is working very well. I really want it to work very well. Today is blood day again so it looks like it will be Monday next week before I find out. I have a very busy weekend planned so it should be easy enough to be distracted.

My shot on Monday didn't sting but I managed to hit a blood vessel so bled quite a bit. My advice from Jonas was, 'Mom, you should try not to bleed.' I am inclined to agree with him. I now have a pretty bruise at the injection site, lots of purpura and a very, very itchy rash!! It is driving me mental! Thank goodness that Brie has hooked me up with her Glaxo Base and it seems to help. I have upped my Melatonin to two pills every night before bed and last night I was able to sleep from 11pm to 5am!! I haven't had 6 hours in a row in a month. It was bliss full! I was snoring though so it wasn't as pleasant for my hubby, lol. I had some intensely bitchy days this last week and was SUPER tired but other than that, it has been a great week. I got in one double workout and a single and am going to do another tomorrow. I think Sundays are my favorite day of the week now. I feel the most like myself on Sundays. The drugs are all but out of my system and I can actually function for the most part like my old self. My energy is gone but at least on Sunday my motivation to do stuff is there. That has been my struggle this week....motivation. I have spent some serious time in bed cross stitching Baby's present (I am such an old lady lol) because I just don't FEEL like doing anything else. It's rather irritating. I am not used to being this uninspired to be a human. Also, I can't touch, brush or run my fingers through my hair without it falling out. I am not allowed to take a supplement for it so I suppose I will have to deal with much thinner hair.

The positive that I have noticed this week is that because of the drugs my skin is more sensitive. This translates into tiny simple things feeling incredible! Brie ran a single finger through my hair over my scalp and it was heaven!!! Scott rubbed between my shoulders for me and I would have willingly done anything he asked of me, it felt so good! I am running around the house begging for, and eating up, any physical touch I can get from my family because it is really out of this world! Typically when my liver is sick and my skin is sensitive, the LAST thing in the world that I want is for anyone to touch me so this is an unexpected pleasure.

I just got a phone call....IT'S NEGATIVE, IT'S NEGATIVE!!!! THE VIRUS IS GONE!!! I am THE happiest woman on the planet right now!!! I have to finish out the treatment but I now have moved up to a 90% chance that the virus is gone forever!!! WOOHOO!! I need to go cry with relief now!! Oh My God!! I am going to be ok!!! This is the BEST news of my life!!!

4th Shot Done

It has been a LONG time since I have been here to update y'all...Sorry. The last couple of weeks were pretty crappy. Two weeks ago tomorrow I ended up at the U of A with some wicked chest pain that was making it very hard for me to breath. After many hours and many tests, they told me that it was probably a bruised rib since I have absolutely NO risk factors for anything else. I find that diagnosis hard to believe since I was laying in bed reading a book when it started, the advil they gave me to take away the pain did nothing and the pain magically disappeared at 10am the next morning. When it first happened, Scott resisted taking me to the hospital because he thought I was over reacting. I explained to him, in so many words, that I was taking SERIOUS drugs that can kill people and I wasn't going to sit at home waiting to see what would happen! My Hep nurse told us that I am to ALWAYS come to the hospital for things like that because there are obscure side effects that can happen and the best place to be is the hospital if things are going to go sideways. My words to my husband, immediately following his apology, were na-na-na-boo-boo. The pain came and went a couple more times totally unprovoked. I am still at a loss as to what the deal is. I am going to go see a physiotherapist and see if there is anything she can tweak in my back to make this not happen again. It is quite paralyzing to feel pain and KNOW that it could be heart issues or pulmonary blood clots. Both are equally adept at ending your life...

Things were looking up by the weekend. Jonas and I were having a Mommy and Jonas day at West Ed and on the way home, he puked strawberry sunshine all over himself in the car. Disgusting! My poor boy has only puked once before in his life so he was pretty freaked! I took care of him all that day and night and the next day and then I started puking. Poor Scott and Brie. I have NEVER been that sick in all of my life. I couldn't stop. Nothing would stay down, my headache was brutal, I felt like I was never going to get better. After 5 hours, I was 100%. It was also my shot day so I did that once I could keep my head out of the toilet. The good thing about feeling like complete ass all day before I took my shot was that I didn't notice a single negative effect of taking the shot, lol! Everything is relative. I woke up the next morning with a cold. It seems the fates were determined to make me eat my words about feeling so good. Jonas was home with me all week because he had a bit of a temperature so he got in a whole lot of TV watching while I nursed a brutal cold. My blood came back with my white cell count elevated so my immune system is fighting something. It seems to be gone now.

Yesterday was shot day. It stung. The last few have so I am thinking that I was too pumped with adrenaline my first shot to feel the sting. It isn't too bad though. I was able to sleep last night sort of. If I go to sleep, I tend to wake up every hour or so starting at 12:30. I tell ya, I do not blame insomniacs for any crimes that they commit! It is brutal to go days on end without a full night's sleep. It messes with your head. Yesterday I felt like myself again so I worked out with Stacie. I didn't go too hard because I don't want to tire myself out and get sick. My nurse advised that working out was fine as long as I didn't do too much. Stacie and I haven't done it in so long, there was no danger of us going overboard! We were pathetically weak!

Although there hasn't been a drastic change in my blood counts, the overall picture can still be very different than before treatment was started. My nurse quizzed me on how things have changed . Let's see....my stomach is starting to look like the Polka-Dot Door. Every injection site is a perfect circle of red skin and purpura. I wonder if that will go away? My memory and brain are taking on characteristics of swiss cheese. Words and thoughts disappear with NO warning! Makes me look like a bit of a special case when I am trying to say something and the words are just gone. I am crazy. The thoughts that bounce around in my head, and sometimes fall out of my lips, are random and unrelated to one another. There is no segway. It makes it hard for people around me to follow what is going on. I don't think most people are used to shifting gears that fast. Thank God my sisters are. They don't have an issue (I don't think lol). I have no stamina. Jonas is endlessly frustrated that I can play like I used to with him for about one minute and then need a break. I am not kidding. My energy is used up in a flash. I was sure that my problem was that my hemoglobin had dropped but no such luck. My skin is unimaginably dry! I have baby oil baths, luke warm showers, let my skin air dry, put on lotions, all to no avail. My face and hands are aging so quickly! I am a vain girl so this is hard to deal with for me. I don't want to come out of this with my face looking like that of a recovered drug addict (old looking and full of lines and wrinkles) so I am upping my water intake, if that is possible. Last but not least, I am emotional beyond anything I have been in my life previous to this. I am tired of saying that I don't feel well, that I feel dizzy, that I am exhausted, that I need help. I am sad that I am not the Mom that my boy deserves, that I am not the wife who has dinner on the table every day, that my house is not clean. Scott has been great in supporting me and pulling as much weight as he can with the house and kids. He has been wonderful with comforting me and letting me know that this is what we expected and that I am not to feel bad about it. I am to take care of myself and not to worry about other's feelings and stuff. Easier said than done. I like to have control and I feel it rushing away. I am staying positive and I generally only have one emotional day a week so that is acceptable. Thank God for happy pills because without them, I wouldn't want to be around me!

On the plus side, our picture of Mickey's castle is shaping up nicely! It is a very exciting moment every week for my boy and I to add to it! That I love!

Today I am a bit dizzy and could use a nap so off I go. I am focusing on six days from today. I will get my blood results and find out if I am negative for the virus. Fingers crossed!

It seemed like a good idea at the time...

So since I didn't put anything between my skin and my hot pack, I now have what looks to be a first degree burn all across my lower back! Awesome!! I suppose Jonas' Ihle's paste is still good for something. At least it doesn't hurt. Here's hoping it doesn't blister. Silly, silly me...

Ooooh Update!

For those of you who don't know, when my treatment is done, I am going to school to be an electrician. I had applied at Wirtenen for the pre-apprenticeship program. It is free and you have to be accepted. The man who decides your fate is rather old school about women and makes no bones about it. We had talked previously and ironed out all his misconceptions and I was waiting to hear back. Surprise of all surprises, he called me on Wednesday to tell me that I had been accepted to start school on April 5th! I was madly trying to work it out in my head so that I could say yes. My mother, the voice of reason, was in the background telling me that I couldn't go while on treatment. I mentioned to the man that I was doing a medical treatment and he told me they could make allowances for it. Since the main side effect of my drugs is extreme forgettfullness, I told him I didn't think it was a good idea for me to play with electricity without the full use of all my faculties. He said it was no big deal, people would just think I was dumb. Uh, no. We talked for a bit and finally decided that it would be best for me to attend his course starting October 25th. I believe I convinced him to save a spot for me. I was supposed to call him back the next day and let him know and guess what? I forgot! Damn, damn, damn! I called and left him a message saying I couldn't attend before October and asked him to call me back. Hopefully it is still a go!

I am going to start down the road to be an electrician!!! I am so excited!! What amazing news!