So......ya

Well, it's been a LONG time since I've updated this blog and it's probably a good thing. The one side effect I didn't prepare for, count on or truly expect is the one that I am experiencing. It seems that my personality has suffered a major shift and it isn't a good thing for some individuals in my life. It is like I feel dead and emotionally flat inside about pretty much everyone in my life to varying degrees, with the exception of Jonas (thank God). I feel like I could take or leave my marriage right now, I could take or leave my house and I am not sure if these are my real feelings or if they are because of the drugs or a combination of the two. I feel bad for those around me, my friends and family that I don't contact anymore, the little caring things that I don't do for others anymore, the inability for me to feel sympathy for anyone about anything....It really sucks. To not know if this is you or if this is your brain on drugs (lol). Some days I feel desperate to run away, to be selfish, to just go hide somewhere and worry about me and only me. I wonder how understanding I can expect people in my world to be. It must be hard to be on the receiving end of these emotions. I really hope that the old me comes back when the drugs are done and that this isn't a permanent state of being. I don't like feeling flat and most days I cannot even be nice and give others simple respect. I feel like a bitch but at the same time it feels legitimate and justified. I know people change on these drugs but it's cold comfort and it doesn't make me feel any different. I am not even half way through my treatment! I cannot imagine who I will be in 13 more weeks!! I understand no pain, no gain but I didn't bank on the pain I would be causing others. I have an appt. with the therapist who deals with people on these drugs on June 10. Hopefully she has some insight and coping mechanisms for me. I am angry at myself for being confused and frustrated with my apparent inability to just suck it up and deal! Seriously, WTF!

Thanks to everyone who is understanding and supportive. I hope and pray that things shake out the way that they are meant to.